6 Killer Reasons Why Elves Suck Big Time
Technically, this article should be entitled “Six HUNDRED Killer Reasons Why Elves Suck Big Time” — but much as I love to loathe elves, I don’t have an entire near-immortal lifetime to waste on dissing their collective ass.
So I will limit myself to 6 killer reasons.
Why elves suck.
Burn these bullet points into your brains, fellow dwarves.
Tattoo them onto your hearts, emblazon them on your finest battle shields, bawl them aggressively as you sup barrels of ale deep below ground … for they be the TRUTH!
Why Elves Suck Big Time … Killer Reason #1
Pointy Ears are NOT a FEATURE
Let’s be clear — pointy ears as a default genetic reality are not a feature.
For pointy ears to have real meaning, they must be the result of partial severing from the skull in mortal combat with beasts such as ogres, trolls and giants.
My cousin Dorrin is one such PROPERLY REMARKABLE pointy ear-haver.
In the battle of Donque’s Knob, he famously lost half an ear defending the Wellweird Gnomes against hordes of rampaging goblins intent on world destruction.
This heroic deed alone guaranteed that a single semi-ear passed into the annals of dwarven legend forevermore — not to mention breaking the record for the furthest distance travelled at speed by the anatomical part of a creature under five feet tall and nearly twice as wide.
Elves, on the other hand, regard their ludicrously ubiquitous pointy ears as a source of eternal wonderment that no creature is permitted to ignore, let alone refuse to revere.
Worse still, they combine these monstrosities with impossibly exotic hairstyles which would totally obscure the ears of any other humanoid — yet because they are elves, even when 99.9% of their total ear mass is engulfed by their preposterous locks, they insist on making a show of the point.
Is this sufficient provocation for me to want VERY MUCH to punch all elves in the face on sight?
Why, yes — but there are 5 other killer reasons also.
Grrr! Gnash! Grrrr!
I’ve only just gotten started …
Why Elves Suck Big Time … Killer Reason #2
Lyrical Kudos without Metal Guitar Riffs = LAME
The whole point about ballads is that you gather round the fire to sing them (while supping copious amounts of hearty beer or mead) — and then you fall asleep for the night.
This is an impossible feat for anyone to achieve when
1) A single ballad can go on for months at a time.
2) Every third word boasts 275 syllables.
3) All songs must be delivered in soprano, falsetto, castrati or uber-eunuch wargspooker voices.
4) Every ballad’s subject matter is exclusively related to archery, fabricated history bordering on lies — or shampoo.
I’ve known the stoutest hearts and the steadiest axe hands lose entire beards trying to sleep a single night through this wretched din.
Over-fanciful lute accompaniment only makes things worse — especially when the fey devils insist on using their wretched ears as plectrums to annoy us.
Dwarves demand only the finest and heaviest ROCK — meaning proper guitars and gutsy vocals with a premium on gravelly textures and guaranteed tunelessness.
We do not like barely concealed arty farty warbling, THANK YOU.
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All the Pointy-eared Action. None of the Elven Messing.
While we’re on the subject of annoying beings with pointy ears, it’s worth looking in on Gene Roddenbery’s cult classic STAR TREK and asking … is Mr Spock actually an elf from outer space?
Technically, he has several key attributes that distinguish him as a extra-terrestrial dead ringer.
First, he’s most certainly annoying. Who can forget the endless waspish dialogues between Vulcan’s favourite emo-free smartass and his frequently irked companions Bones and Kirk?
Second, those ears of his are the least unpointy specimens ever to grace the big screen. It’s fair to say that if Mr Spock could be persuaded to open a tin of beans with his ears, his razor sharp aureoles would be through the metal in no time.
Which brings us to Spock’s latent powers of being somewhat difficult to rub along with. How elven is that as an outstanding personality attribute?
Time to look in on the Elf / Vulcan “Pain in the Backside” Similarity Test …
Dwarven Hero — Lend me a hand with my studded codpiece, O pointy eared one.
Elf — raises eyebrow and proffers barren look of mockery, like the worst kind of aloof sphynx cat
Captain Kirk — Lend me a hand with my 60s fashion boots, O pointy eared one.
Spock — raises eyebrow and proffers barren look of mockery, like the worst kind of aloof sphynx cat
On balance, all the evidence seems to suggest that Mr Spock is most certainly an elf.
BUT WHERE IS THE SINGING? THE OBSESSION WITH COSMETICALLY ABSURD ARCHERY? THE ENDLESS STREAM OF SUPPOSEDLY WITTY ANTI-DWARF PUT-DOWNS?
Viewed from this angle, Mr Spock begins to look like some kind of clearly non-elf HERO.
Which makes all of his Vulcan buddies into a veritable ARMY which might be PERSUADED to DESCEND ON FANCIFUL ELVEN KINGDOMS GALAXYWIDE and make with the LOGIC-POWERED TRASHING.
As a dwarf, methinks this initiative demands support.
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Your personal access to a galaxy heaving with Vulcans is only seconds away.
Better still, as I understand these interspace shenanigans, you’ll discover other alien races also, like BLUE PEOPLE with MINIATURE DRUMSTICKS poking from their heads and GRUNTING OGRE TYPES whose skin complexion is decidedly OVERCOOKED QUARTERPOUNDER.
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And in the process, engage in pointy-eared fun that doesn’t require the presence of elves …
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Why Elves Suck Big Time … Killer Reason #3
Elves Unleash Only Prima Donna Poodle Magic
Where human archmages summon fireballs to ravage continents and even demi-orc shamans muster the occasional acidic stink cloud, elves excel only at sorcery feats such as making blue things more blue, bestowing insubstantial magical glammers on everything from cutlery to infrequently worn hats, and charming lifelong elfophiles already perfectly happy to sport I ♥ Elves regalia 24/7.
Better still, elves can switch these magical effects off in an instant, like they’d never even happened.
Granted, elves can make themselves invisible — which I grudgingly acknowledge can come in moderately useful on rare occasions, like when you need to flee from a giant’s cave with a sackful of treasure slung over your back — but ultimately such parlour games are the only concession elves make to the dwarven community.
So please, elves, feel free to become invisible all the time, so we don’t have to spend our days retching in response to your unappealing flared apparel, your concepte nouveau hairdos — and your stupid, stupid, stupid pointy ears.
And if you must cast other spells, please don’t imagine for a second that they have any tangible effect on anything, any time, anywhere, other than your own narcissistic delusions or crudely offensive memes circulated on OrcBook.
Why Elves Suck Big Time … Killer Reason #4
Elven Chicks Are Neither Sexy Nor Svelte — Just Badly Undernourished & High Maintenance
With a dwarven gal in tow, every dwarven hero can brave the grimmest challenge, safe in the knowledge that a loyal heart and a ready axe be forever close at hand.
Better still, half of all dwarven heroes ARE dwarven gals.
Run any heroic scenario with elven chicks instead of good, honest dwarven gals … and even before the first whiff of incoming threat descends on the assembled bravehearts, everyone has to check their breathing just in case their CLEARLY VIOLENT reflex inhalation and exhalation initiates a fatal snapped eyelash incident.
Disclaimer — MMO Dwarf recognises that all fantasy kingdoms now exist and persist in the spirit of sexual equality and diversity, and he has no desire to single out female characters for any form of targeted ridicule — which is why he gladly extends his abuse to boy elves for exactly the same reasons. In truth, boy elves are even worse than elven chicks when it comes to being perpetually useless and high maintenance to the point of inspiring terminal despair.
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Why Elves Suck Big Time … Killer Reason #5
Ubiquitous Otherworldliness = IYF Irritation
What is so otherworldly about elves?
Otherworldly suggests the existence of a mysterious, faraway world from which elves occasionally venture to look in on HERE from time to time — whichever fantasy wonderland HERE may be.
Invisible, secretive and elusive, the Impossibly Fey tippy-toe around HERE’s deepest undergrowth like whispers — fleetingly, so fleetingly — until they are gone.
So why is it that every fantasy world under the Sun throbs with elves?
Don’t those fools know that being otherworldly means they’re not supposed to be here?
Next time a single elf complains about the lumps of wild boar gristle in our finest Dwarven mead or harasses humans for being multi-talented despite zero adjustments to their basic character attributes, perhaps we should remind said obnoxious invader about their beloved Other World and invite them to consider how eternally grateful we would all be if they didst bugger off back there immediately.
Why Elves Suck Big Time … Killer Reason #6
There Is No Such Thing as a “Dark Elf”
Recent elven mythology has spawned the centuries-old Dark Elf race from the creative Abyss known as Game Designer Fancifulness.
Hiding away deep below the ground, these twisted and evil variations on a theme of plain irritating plot and scheme to overthrow all surface dwellers with their combination of everything regular elves possess in abundance and swimming pools overflowing with liquid mascara.
If you don’t believe this is all it takes to spawn a so-called “Dark Elf”, and prefer instead to collude with the fanciful game designer guys in their view that Dark Elves are special in any way beyond being mere frauds, here’s how easy it is for a regular elf to assume the mantle of … Underworld Darknessborn.
1) Take one regular elf, complete with pointy ears, impossibly exotic hairstyle, warbling talents, Prima Donna Poodle magic, undernourished physique, high maintenance emo POV, IYF otherworldliness — and throw in an affinity for absurd toy missile weapons that always hit but never actually do any damage.
2) Immerse said elf in swimming pool overflowing with liquid mascara.
3) Oh look — it’s a Dark Elf.
These deluded wretches will complain till they’re blue in the face about how their underground mushroom colonies aren’t in fact forests and the presence of multiple apostrophes and quadruple Zs in their names isn’t as ridiculous as overuse of the letter Y in most traditional elven nomenclature, but there’s no getting away from the essential FACTS.
Dark elves are simply regular elves in fancier fancy dress than usual whose only truly redeeming feature is to overplay their introverted narcissist card more up front than their surface dweller cousins so they can inhabit the higher levels of MMO encounters with barely concealed smugness.
Why Elves Suck Big Time
MMO Dwarf’s Insightful Conclusion
I really could go on forever with this, but like I said in my introduction, I have more important things to do with my time than berating elves for their innate beratability on a whole range of issues from their mere existence to their devastating impact on the wider world.
It’s not that I would ever refuse to adventure with one of the useless scoundrels — for such tenacity might conceivably risk Total Fantasy World Destruction if the bad guys required the good guys to tool up with every available resource — but 9,999 times out of 10,000 it’s highly likely that a NO ELVES scenario would be top of my list of priorities.
And I am not beyond a miscount after I’ve had a few pints of Owlde Knackerer.
You may have a different view, and in all fairness, I truly understand your plight.
Even though I actually don’t.
The best way to assess the unbiased truth about thoroughly irritating elves is to sample a new game where they either dominate or run amok.
Then you’ll see why my 6 Killer Reasons Why Elves Suck Big Time are the truth!
In the mean time, Happy Gaming!
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Call me an ungrateful Dwarven wretch, but here’s a message I received recently from what appears to be a seasoned gripemonger.
Dear Mr Dwarf,
As an elf devotee, I take exception to your unkind comments about the elven race and its culture. If you research your fantasy history, you’ll see that elves have contributed more than any other race to fiction, games, movies — and more. I simply can’t read any more of your ill-considered and derogatory nonsense!
What can an earnest Dwarf with an even more earnest dislike of elves do? My first instinct was to seek out the aforementioned Anon and have at his neck with my trusty #7 Orchewer — but I just won 20 prime turnips on the Dwarven Lottery and I’m feeling uncharacteristically cheerful.
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Here’s some further reading …
6 Killer Reasons Why MMO Players Suck Big Time
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Tell your friends. Warn your family. Distract your enemies so you can surprise them at dead of night with an array of ferocious weapons guaranteed to mangle them to a pulp as they cry
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