Why Elves Suck Big Time … Killer Reason #6
There Is No Such Thing as a “Dark Elf”
Recent elven mythology has spawned the centuries-old Dark Elf race from the creative Abyss known as Game Designer Fancifulness.
Hiding away deep below the ground, these twisted and evil variations on a theme of plain irritating plot and scheme to overthrow all surface dwellers with their combination of everything regular elves possess in abundance and swimming pools overflowing with liquid mascara.
If you don’t believe this is all it takes to spawn a so-called “Dark Elf”, and prefer instead to collude with the fanciful game designer guys in their view that Dark Elves are special in any way beyond being mere frauds, here’s how easy it is for a regular elf to assume the mantle of … Underworld Darknessborn.
1) Take one regular elf, complete with pointy ears, impossibly exotic hairstyle, warbling talents, Prima Donna Poodle magic, undernourished physique, high maintenance emo POV, IYF otherworldliness — and throw in an affinity for absurd toy missile weapons that always hit but never actually do any damage.
2) Immerse said elf in swimming pool overflowing with liquid mascara.
3) Oh look — it’s a Dark Elf.
These deluded wretches will complain till they’re blue in the face about how their underground mushroom colonies aren’t in fact forests and the presence of multiple apostrophes and quadruple Zs in their names isn’t as ridiculous as overuse of the letter Y in most traditional elven nomenclature, but there’s no getting away from the essential FACTS.
Dark elves are simply regular elves in fancier fancy dress than usual whose only truly redeeming feature is to overplay their introverted narcissist card more up front than their surface dweller cousins so they can inhabit the higher levels of MMO encounters with barely concealed smugness.
Grrrrrrrrrr!