6 Killer Reasons Why MMO Players Suck Big Time
Nothing beats the thrill of teaming up with fellow heroes to defeat the most powerful dragon in the land.
Nothing tops the excitement of plunging into a Death Star’s deepest craters alongside your A-list gaming buddies, laser cannons blazing.
Nothing can ever match the frenzied hollers of party excitement as the ultimate boss finally meets his demise thanks to a combination of cunning teamwork, tactical gaming, and store boosts sufficient to fund a military coup somewhere like Denmark.
An irritating gamer be in thy midst!
You know those guys — the ones who ruin every gaming sesh with their unique blend of pain-in-the-ass persona, WTF agenda — and seriously IYF bugcraft talents.
Like the least effective multiclass characters, these game wreckers come in umpteen unique downer blends of LOSER.
But MMO Dwarf has his beady eye on these fiends — and I hereby chain them to the dungeon wall of MMO Articles Incarnate so that they be revealed in all their grisly horror and primed for a well-deserved public spanking.
When MMO Players suck, it’s bad news for everyone — and they’ll trash your game if you don’t boot them out on sight.
So here’s my Top Six Pure Strain Sucky MMO Player Culprits.
Get ready to Spot …
and BOOT …
When MMO Players Suck … Culprit #1
No Ears afk Piker Guy (disconnected)
I have no problem with gamers taking time out to answer emergency phone calls, fix a drink or empty their bladders, but MMO protocol demands teamwork.
Without the Massively Multi part, MMO gaming powers down to player — whereupon said player logs off and heads over to FaceBook to overdose on LOLCats, fake news, and imminent social demise.
So why does No Ears afk Piker Guy (disconnected) tag along for the ride?
Deal is a simple 3-way WHAMMY.
1) They seek to level up without effort.
2) They seek to bag the all booty without commitment.
3) They seek to multitask the piking strategy on three other open games while testing the visuals with an FPS program so they can simultaneously post to an overclockers forum about their kickass $2000 vid card.
The worst part about this waste of space gaming lifestyle is how No Ears afk Piker Guy (disconnected) shows up over and over, armed to the hilt with ever more powerful equipment and boasting upgraded superpowers specifically accumulated and tailored to help them become EVEN MORE USELESS TO THE TEAM.
Boot them out!
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When MMO Players Suck … Culprit #2
They’ve played every quest every which way using every available resource — and they know their way around the game you’re desperately trying to play like a supercomputer knows pi.
For these guys, every story arc is instinct, every puzzle or encounter is a watch me watch me watch me memory feat, every second of gaming time is merely another spin round the ESP Completionist loop.
So ask yourself a question here.
Do these guys really need you and your party around to solo it?
Either they’re attempting to invoke the Singularity by assimilating the game code into their DNA or they’re running second place to some other freako on a speedrun forum leaderboard.
Trust me here — you don’t need this superdetatched interaction.
Even the most pedestrian and predictable MMO should throw up surprises, and the player interactions that spark from awkward klutzes and spectacular victories are what keep all the best games on their toes.
ESP Completionists tick all the quest victory boxes bar precisely the ones most mortal gamers truly value.
Boot them out!
When MMO Players Suck … Culprit #3
Trolls have only one objective in mind — and it’s nothing to do with your favourite MMO game.
So while AngryWJack might seem like a perfectly lovable soul whose ultraviolence-oriented character is the epitome of aggro and verbal assault, in real life he’s an unrepentant racist intent on stirring up trouble for everyone.
Sexists, Marxists, militant vegans, eco-warriors, sadists — all these guys play your favourite games.
But they also play plenty of games you don’t, and in those other games (and their respective forums) — guess what?
It’s the same weaponised garbage spewed at random.
Unkind of word, immodest of deed — and infinitely pain-in-the-assier than a solid oak pineapple, the troll exists only to spoil the fun, wreck the game for everyone, and (critically) grind the grisly gears of their own warped agenda.
Whenever they show … the action stops.
Whenever they speak … the story ends.
Whenever you engage them in their miserable quest to defile and despoil and destroy, you unwittingly level them up into even more wretched monsters and embolden them to trash more games, more teams, more fun.
We don’t need them, we don’t want them — and we don’t have to tolerate them.
MMO Dwarf says … butt the heck out of our games, foul trolls!
When MMO Players Suck … Culprit #4
Brent Anderson from Milwaukee, Married to Sue, Loves to Fish at Weekends & Recently Purchased Some Mighty Fine Shelving Brackets From His Local DIY Store For Just $45.75
His avatar clearly shows he’s Dragonkind.
His name plainly invites you to hail him as Tharngor.
And the current quest is unequivocal about the game world you both inhabit because its forgotten dungeons, piles of gold and goblin hordes spell out loud and clear that you are in the The Mines Of Guruth-Kaahn.
So why does Brent Anderson from Milwaukee, Married to Sue, Loves to Fish at Weekends & Recently Purchased Some Mighty Fine Shelving Brackets From His Local DIY Store For Just $45.75 insist on regurgitating intimate details of his (frankly) boring IRL existence?
Quest commentary says … PREPARE TO DIE, FOOLISH DO-GOODERS!
Brent Anderson from Milwaukee, Married to Sue, Loves to Fish at Weekends & Recently Purchased Some Mighty Fine Shelving Brackets From His Local DIY Store For Just $45.75 types can anyone recommend a good solid can opener on amazon bcs mine just died and I wanna get started on the beans in my store room I got a dozen cans maybe 13
Quest commentary says … DO YOU WISH TO PARLEY WITH THE EVIDENTLY INVINCIBLE ARCHWIZARD BEFORE YOU ENGAGE HIM IN A BATTLE OF SORCERY WITS?
Brent Anderson from Milwaukee, Married to Sue, Loves to Fish at Weekends & Recently Purchased Some Mighty Fine Shelving Brackets From His Local DIY Store For Just $45.75 types i just cant figure out my dog sable shes been scratching herself red raw in the private area for darn near 3 weeks now and my local vet is clueless we tried everything including stuff the zoo guys use for elephant skin problems but no can do
Face it, Brent Anderson from Milwaukee, Married to Sue, Loves to Fish at Weekends & Recently Purchased Some Mighty Fine Shelving Brackets From His Local DIY Store For Just $45.75 is the death of all fantasy.
How mercilessly he slays adventure with his commentary about his neighbour’s back problem!
How effortlessly he drains the spirit from all heroic questing with his impassioned oratory about the zips on his favourite fishing jacket!
How utterly without regard for common humanity he demonstrates himself to be as he slashes the throat of imaginary worlds faroff with his endless speculation about cost-effective strategies to keep his windscreen free of splatted bugs when he’s negotiating the awkward stretch of highway between his grandmother’s cabin and the place he gets his hair cut!
Boot him out!
When MMO Players Suck … Culprit #5
The Anally-retentive “Born Knowing The Rules” Savant/Nightmare
Of all the players battling to defeat the Cybercrystal Cyborg Foundation in the vacuum-ravaged, Sector 879b.4bx, which one do you think prefers to blitz into battle clutching a LOUDLY HAILED P89 Megablaster Cannon?
Here’s a clue … set your ears to BE PERMANENTLY STUNNED, and keep an eye on the steady stream of stats punching their way out of the chat window like screaming fans fleeing a festival after the headline act pulls the DISGUISED ALIENS FROM ANOTHER WORLD card.
It’s like Brent Anderson from Milwaukee, Married to Sue, Loves to Fish at Weekends & Recently Purchased Some Mighty Fine Shelving Brackets From His Local DIY Store For Just $45.75 got blasted in the face with a focus reversal ray and switched out from bombarding everyone with irrelevant details outside the game world to bombarding everyone with even more irrelevant details from deep inside … the Game Mythology.
No one loves a walking encyclopaedia with the volume turned up to 11 — especially when it’s a compulsive stat-fiend who’s been chained to their gaming chair since before most millennials were born.
Boot them out!
When MMO Players Suck … Culprit #6
Sorry, pal — game’s up.
Your boss has worked out the link between your zealous MMO gamer compulsion and the brain-dead zombie shuffling ineptly around the workplace from day to day whose careworn inertia saps morale, trashes schedules and projects, and loses the company billions in cash each week.
Worse still — you’re now a member of your boss’s Guild.
Try stacking points earned for the team against hours bunked off from work — especially in the ultimate Boss Level Quest they call … the courtroom!
Who needs a petard through the stomach when ye be hoist by your own massively incriminating Guild Chat History?
For the ultimate agonising irony, if you’re really lucky, your boss will have spent so many hours trying to snare your wretched hide that he’s infinitely higher ranking on all your favourite games than you.
Boot your boss out before he makes a mockery of your very existence!
When MMO Players Suck
MMO Dwarf’s Parting Shot
When it comes to having fun with your MMO gaming buddies, a friendly and functional team wins out every time.
Works for pre-arranged slaughter fests with friends or Guildies, and possibly works even better for spontaneous groups that coalesce round a string of missions or quests for a few hours.
But what DOES NOT WORK are groups infected with one or more Sucky MMO Player Culprits.
If any of the six types outline in this article make your group, the harder-to-slay bad guys will mock you for your incompetence.
The self-respect bubbling deep within your soul will cry out in anguish thanks to your lack of courage.
And your mother will be so embarrassed by how you drag the family name into the mud with your zero Zero Tolerance of disruptive life forces that she’ll refuse to cook your burgers just the way you like them until you get a life and stick up for yourself.
Exorcise these fun-sapping happiness sinks from your game!
From your life!
Go SPOT …
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If you’ve enjoyed discovering the unpalatable truth about MMO players who suck, you may be interested in other articles MMO Dwarf has written with a view to bringing his trusty battleaxe to bear on matters of great import such that MAXIMUM BLOODSHED aboundeth.
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If you’ve enjoyed this informative Gaming post, please feel free to spread it around like minced dragon’s innards on crisp, health-promoting wholemeal bread.
Tell your friends. Warn your family. Distract your enemies so you can surprise them at dead of night with an array of ferocious weapons guaranteed to mangle them to a pulp as they cry
NOOOOOO! AUUUUUUUGGGH! WAUUUUGGGHHHH!